Now that Donald Sterling has been banned from the NBA for his racist comments, it’s very likely he’ll be forced to sell his beloved Los Angeles Clippers to a new owner. Among the many names who have shown interest or who would like to own the team, one name stands out: Oprah Winfrey.
That’s right, Oprah’s next move might be buying an NBA team. And in my opinion she should definitely do it. “But Chris,” you say, “she doesn’t have any experience running a basketball team!” That’s irrelevant because she can hire people who know what they’re doing and who are loyal until the death like all of her other employees in every venture she’s ever spearheaded. The movie 300 should’ve been re-written and re-released with Oprah kicking under dedicated employees into a pit of media banishment. This. IS. OPRAH.
She’s Oprah, there’s nothing off-limits that she can’t burst into with unbridled, borderline-insane enthusiasm and joyous shouting. If you still don’t believe Oprah needs to buy the Los Angeles Clippers, here are a few things that could change with her purchase:
She’ll up the stadium game day stunts – Oprah has so much money, she could release hundreds of wild bats wearing bow-ties or even an all-time classic swarm of bees. Imagine an endless stream of bees greeting fans as they enjoy their overpriced beer. She could also give a lucky game-goer a brand new car and put a couch in the stands that Tom Cruise could jump on.
The team would be a great cross-promotional vehicle – Clippers players can be caught reading Oprah’s Book Club books & O Magazine; they can be interviewed on her network and cry like Pharrell. Also, could you imagine Clippers games broadcast on her network with after- game Oprah commentary? Los Angeles Clippers games on the Oprah Winfrey Network. In the words of Oprah, that’d be FAAAABULOUUSSSS [cue confetti / live bees]
More basketball players with life-changing stories – it is Oprah, so you know she’ll want players with inspiring life stories. They can shoot threes AND they helped out orphans for five years while waiting to be drafted into the NBA! Maybe a few of her players can get book deals and land on the infamous Oprah’s Book Club list themselves. It’s a machine that feeds itself.
She’d be an awesome boss you’d WANT to win for – forget bitter old white dudes, would you really want to lose if your boss is Oprah? I don’t think so. Oprah inspires & demands perfection in everything she does. Oprah would handpick perennial championship teams. And any players that misbehave would be redirected to the daytime queen herself. You don’t cross Oprah.
Stedman could play point guard – Does her longtime partner Stedman want to play basketball? Now is his chance to play for the Clippers. Maybe he can make some sweet plays against the twenty-something NBA prodigies that currently play in the league. Or he could block a Lebron dunk. That’s something you want to see on the jumbotron.
Heck, give every daytime mogul a basketball team – give Dr. Phil the New Oreleans Pelicans and let him film his show in their locker room while he tackles each player’s problems one-by-one. Give Dr. Oz the Denver Nuggets and he can talk uncomfortably about fat build-up while throwing samples of real body fat around with the players. There’s no limit to how many NBA teams could be revitalized with the help of a daytime talk show host.
Beyond those points, the simple irony that after Sterling’s comments a Black media mogul woman buys the team and would probably make Sterling stew in whatever racist mansion he lives in. And that fact is a good enough reason to let the former daytime television host, media mogul and mom-favorite Oprah Winfrey own the freakin’ Los Angeles Clippers. Out with the slumping Sterling, in with the standing O. [cue hundreds of bats wearing bow-ties]